It seems that this is the only way to start making something I want to become proud of. Being a studio art major at UCSD, deadlines where always my biggest enemy. In all honesty, I think deadlines were originally where I learned how to pray. For me, prayer was always my last resort. It's what I would do when all of my ideas were tossed in the trash and it was 2:00 in the morning and my deadline was approaching faster than I could control. In a place of desperation and plain exhaustion, I would lay on the ground (usually simultaneously crying while speaking) and whimper out loud
"God... please help. I NEED SOMETHING, ANYTHING, I really can't do this by myself.... Give me an idea?"
I have cried out that those sentences too many times to count, sometimes having to do with art and other times just life in general. And it was in the moment of pure honesty, and surrender that I would almost always get an idea. I would get not only an idea, but the motivation to stand up off of my dimly lit floor and work that idea into existence. I remember specifically only one time did I say this prayer and I didn't get an idea. That time, I prayed a prayer similar to the one above, and all I got was a bible verse. My final project for my sculpture class was due in two days and I had nothing but a bible verse out of Revelations. I remember out of sheer exhaustion I feel asleep and woke up panicked with empty hands. I humbly walked into my class turning over and over the bible verse in my head...
"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me." -Revelation 3:20
My very first thought was...
"But God, how am I going to get a door?"
When class started I didn't know what to do, because I had nothing to work on. I started shyly and hopelessly asking people if they knew of any abandoned doors I could have. My professor turned around and said:
Professor: "well, what about that door that's downstairs? I'm sure you could use that."
Me: "there is a door down stairs?"
Professor: "yeah, it's been there for a while... it's in the courtyard laying between two trees."
Me: I walk past that courtyard every day and I have never seen a door there.
Professor: it's there, go look.
So I ran down stairs and sure enough, there it was! A large door, brand new, sitting on it's side between two trees. I asked the people around there if they knew whose it was and they all said it was left there a while ago and no one claimed it... so it was as good as mine. I looked up to God and giggled a little, and took the door. The rest of class I sat in front of my door staring at it in pure astonishment and joy. My teacher came over to me and asked what my project was about and I told him it was about God. He cringed and walked away without wanting to hear more. I just smiled because I had no idea what else ridiculous things God was going to do for this project. At the end of class, one of my classmates came up to me and asked me what I was going to do with the door and I came back to reality and realized... I had no idea.
"Maybe paint on the door?" I said hesitantly... thinking I would just paint the bible verse straight on the door with a nice design around it. She looked at me with disbelief as her project was completely finished and ready for critique the next day and all I had was a blank canvas of a door. As the progression of the day went on, and I had to leave the door and attend my other classes. I couldn't think of anything else. Worry overtook me, what was I going to do with this God-given door? Paint felt unworthy. It seemed to me like a sacred and holy item... I didn't want to paint on it. I barely felt worthy of touching it. So that night after school I went back into the studio and looked at my door. One of the other students was in there doing some last minute touches to her project. This particular student and I never really got along, despite how many times I tried to be nice to her. She was always negative and the majority of the time just plain out mean.... but she somehow always wanted to talk to me, so I let her. I smiled at her with my paint in one hand and my bible in the other and walked straight to my door. I didn't exactly know what to do, so I just sat on the ground and opened up to Revelations. I read the verse and the verses around it over a couple of times, hoping God put some more hints in there that I didn't see the first time. After minutes dragged on, my classmate finally said:
"are you going to just read your book and stare at your project, or actually work on something?" I smiled at her nicely and said "It's just that I have no idea what to do..."
This conversation led into me telling her about my project and her actually giving me advice! She suggested that I should just get a long scroll and write out the bible verse under the door with the scroll hanging. We came to the idea together that it should be placed on top of the art department building right in front of the administration building. Through brainstorming and sharing ideas she opened up to me. I started asking about her family and her friends. I ended up sharing with her about my beliefs and why I believed what I did... really all about God's love. It was the first time I had ever had a real honest conversation with her. It was so crazy how somehow, my door had broken down the her tough walls and the holy spirit just led the entire conversation! The next day I got to class early to set up my installation. I took the door under my arm and walked confidently over to the building I was somehow convinced I could climb up while carrying a door much taller than me. I got a little bit of attention from my other classmates who seemed hungry for the adventure and asked if I needed help. I had two classmates help me climb the side of the building and transport the door onto the roof. I hurriedly came down and told them where I wanted it from the other building where the rest of my class was outside watching. Within seconds of the scroll being dropped and two more of my classmate helping out, the administration building called security. It was less then five seconds of God's words written down the side of the building that security demanded it be taken down. I some how convinced them to let me keep it long enough to get a picture. Immediately after I took a picture I had to reluctantly take my door and scroll off the roof. After some serious scolding from the authorities I came back to class to find out my professor was late and didn't see any of the events that had just occurred. Despite my professor missing my entire final project, the whole thing was incredible! I still can hardly believe that we were able to write God's words down the entire building of Mandeville's Art Department at UCSD! I honestly feel strange taking ownership of this project. God, and all of my classmates did the majority of it!
I am convinced that God loves art. I'm also convinced that he has a lot he wants to say through art, and all I am as an artist is a tool for God to say what he needs to. God is so faithful you guys... all we need to do sometimes is give him the time to listen.
This project wasn't made for a grade, or even for approval of my teacher. It was all about communicating a message that my class (and maybe even UCSD's administration and security) needed to hear. Just as an extra quirk to how faithful God is, I ended up getting a B in the class, even without having my professor see my final project which was worth over 50% of our grade!
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